If man has no tea in him, he is incapable of understanding truth and beauty.
Today is one of those days. It is one of those days where nothing has gone as planned and when every role in my life seems to be intersecting.
You see, I thrive on schedule and routine. My husband knows that whenever a major change occurs in our lives, lists and labels will be popping up all over the house. I like structure. I am the person who gets excited over the plethora of organization articles that come out each January. I love opening a new planner with its clean pages. I get a twinge of joy when I color in a checkbox on my to-do list. Perhaps that is why Project Management is such a great fit for me.
Now don't get me wrong... I don't let schedules rule my life. I will decide at times to throw them out the window. But I need them as a starting framework, even if I consciously choose to ignore them.
But here comes a day like today. Due to the weekend snow, schools are closed and businesses are delayed. The road outside my house is a sheet of thick ice. My employer is encouraging people to work from home if they can. So, I am working from home. That sounds glorious... calling into meetings all while wearing a pair of yoga pants, curling up in a comfy chair with my laptop, having access to my own tea stash all day. However, there is a complication. I am also home with a 2-year-old and her bad cold, a 4-month-old infant, and a husband with a fever. I found myself desperately working on a presentation for a 4pm meeting while a little girl begged to be read a story. I ran around like a maniac trying to get everyone fed before hiding in the bedroom for a 30 minute teleconference. I muttered under my breath when the company network kept kicking me out. I tried to entertain my son with a rattle while typing an email. I popped in Tinker Bell in a desperate attempt to distract my daughter and felt guilty the whole time. All in all, I felt like I was going a thousand directions at once and didn't know what to do next.
Then there was this moment. I had just restarted our wireless router so I could send out an email and was washing some dishes while I waited. My daughter had just been put back in bed for the third time in an attempt to get her to nap. I knew my son was about to wake up in his swing and want to be fed and I was crossing my fngers that he would give me 5 more minutes. My husband was curled up asleep in his recliner. And the brownies on the table were calling my name, even though I knew I wasn't hungry.
As I unloaded the dishwasher, my head said "I'm not enough." And then it hit me... I'm not enough, and that is okay. I don't have to live up to any perfect picture in my mind. It's okay to have a hectic day. In the end, my worth isn't determined by any of those roles. You see, I am loved. I am loved as a child of God. There is nothing I did to deserve it. And there is nothing I can do to deserve it. It's just a fact. A simple fact. A beautiful, simple fact. And in those moments when I feel like I'm not doing any role well, I just have to remember that it is okay. I am okay. I am loved.
So now, when I have to stop writing an email because my baby needs a diaper change, it's okay. And if I tell my daughter to wait a few minutes, it's okay. And if I don't get everything done for work today, it's okay. I can catch up tomorrow. Today may not run by its regular schedule. I may have to be flexible and jump between roles. Today, employee-mommy-wife responsibilities may keep colliding into one another. And that is okay. All I can do is do my best at each moment... and just keep reminding myself that I am loved.